This is my personal testimony… VERY personal. But I believe God wants to use it to touch other lives, like He did mine.
I’ve written before about a time, more than 10 years ago, when I got really desperate, and really determined to do whatever it took, to have God show me exactly where I stood, and how I looked in His eyes. I got one of my first surprises when He asked me if I was willing to “let God be true, and EVERY man a liar.” That was scary. Could that really be the Lord? Of course it’s in the Bible, but even the devil can quote scripture, you know? I honestly wasn’t so sure it would even be right to say “yes” to that. …EVERY man? Wouldn’t that be like wavering on the truth that God had revealed? So I got stalled right there for several weeks, until it became obvious that God wasn’t going to take me any further until I agreed. I finally understood that He was not asking me to let go of everything I believed and open it up for doubt and debate… but only that I would open up everything I thought and believed, to GOD’S review and correction, not man’s. So I said “yes”. It boiled down to a matter of trusting God.
Not long after, came that life-changing day when the Lord spoke to me, “If I show you, will you DO it?” That really shook me up, because I knew He was asking for a total commitment from me, a vow, without telling me what He was going to ask me to do, or what it would cost me; but because I love Him and trust Him, because I know He loves me, I promised Him I would. I KNEW then, that I had just crossed a line, and I couldn’t look back. That’s when God started flipping on the light switches, one at a time. God is so good. I really don’t think I could have handled more than one at a time.
One of those was a time when I was reading Proverbs 6:16-18, …those seven abominations unto the Lord. There’s #1: a proud look; #2: a lying tongue; etc, and finally #7: he that soweth discord among brethren. I heard God’s voice, so clear and strong… that, in His eyes, I had been sowing discord among His brethren, and causing division in His church… though NOT AT ALL like I would have thought. I actually thought I was doing pretty good on unity. But He said that, though I was talking “unity”, I was cutting off fellowship with many with whom He Himself was having wonderful fellowship. He said that some things I took pride in… thinking I was becoming perfect like my Father in heaven… were actually very much UNLIKE Him. He said that I was pursuing unity with one small part of His church, at the cost of being one with HIM first, the head of the WHOLE church. He said I was not rightly discerning His body. He said that I had a proud look, as a member in His body, saying to other members of His body, wherever they might be on this earth, “You need me (us), but I (we) don’t need you.” He said that I was ready to cut off parts of His body that He wanted to heal; and in doing so, I was hurting myself, by cutting myself off from the flow of life from the whole body… like a hand cutting off the arm that connects it to the body. And to cap it off, He said that while I claimed that I was doing all that in righteousness and the fear of God, it was really in pride and the fear of man. He said that I loved the praise of men, more than the praise of God. And He said I knew it. He said He had spoken to me over and over by His Spirit, and He knew I had heard Him, but had brushed Him off.
I have absolutely no words to describe what I felt right then. Totally UNDONE! Wiped out. Devastated. So ashamed. SO guilty. There was NOTHING I could say in my defense. I had NO excuses, and NO ONE else to blame. I didn’t even try. There was NO place to hide. All I could do was fall to my knees, and cry out with trembling, “God, I am SORRY! Oh, God, have MERCY on me!”
That much alone would have changed my life forever, but then comes the best part! I thought then that my name must certainly have been blotted out of the Lamb’s book of life, being guilty for years of such abominations. But instead, He had seen me as one of those parts of His body that He had been so patiently waiting to heal, not wanting me to be cut off. He saw me as a son, in need of correction and chastisement. Now I had received that. I didn’t have to wallow in regret and condemnation. In an instant, those sins were all history. I was completely forgiven, and cleansed from all unrighteousness. I was justified by the blood of the Lamb… by faith, like Abraham. I stood clean and RIGHTEOUS in God’s eyes, even though He still saw more wrong in my life that He would reveal and deal with later. It was AMAZING grace!
I deserved and expected judgment, but got mercy instead. To my amazement, instead of God being angry, He was actually happy that I was humbling myself, and laying down my life in a way that He had been waiting for, …for a long, long time. He was rejoicing that His sheep was back in His arms. It seemed so unbelievable! I cannot begin to describe the SURPRISE and relief I felt. But it was TRUE! I had just seen the ugly deceitfulness of sin, AND the awesome wonder of God’s great salvation!
THAT rocked me to the core, more than ANYTHING ever had! And that was just the first step. He had much more yet to show me, but has just flipped on one light switch at a time, as I have been willing and able to handle it. It seems like every time that I thought certainly, NOW He had exposed everything… now I was good to go. Then… BOOM! Another one! Not new sins, or something I was hiding, that everybody knows is wrong… just things I hadn’t been willing to let Him shine the light on before. Sometimes it was in ignorance. Sometimes it was things I thought were OK, even right… but He saw it very differently. Every time, though, it’s been the same in a way… the light… the shock… the fear of God… the deep regret, and repentance… and the instant overwhelming love and mercy of my heavenly Father. Then He takes me into His written Word, the scriptures, the Bible, to give me understanding of what I just experienced, and to inscribe His Word on the tables of my heart. Oh, how I LOVE HIM!
Now… how could I EVER condemn others who might now be in the same place I was back then… or even someone guilty of something completely different, that I can’t even relate to? How could I ever have a proud look, looking down on others for their faults or ignorance; when I have experienced how easily God can flip on a light switch, and expose something that I have been blind to… and put me down on my face. I have compassion. I have hope. I have patience. I am FOR them, as God is, …and not against them. Because I know what an awesome transformation can take place, when God just flips on a light switch!
Yes, I WANT God to flip on more of those light switches. I am not afraid of the light, because in His light is His love. God is light AND God is love. I LOVE the light! There, I had been crying out to God to show me exactly how I looked in His eyes; but when He did, He revealed not only my heart, but also HIS heart. That is the most wonderful part of this whole story.
I believe there are others who will be strengthened, encouraged, and drawn closer to God by what I’m sharing. I just pray that I can present God’s light in the same wisdom, gentleness, and love that He has shown me.
There is SO much of the Word that I would love to include here, but this one will be enough for now. It says a lot.
John 3:16-20 KJV:
16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
18 He that believeth on Him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
19 And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.
20 For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.
21 But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.
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