Count The Cost (A Personal Testimony)

Several years ago, I experienced God’s ways, in a way that radically changed me, and has brought me into a relationship with my God and Saviour that I can’t possibly put into words.

It started with a realization in my own heart, and an admission before God, that I really didn’t know how I looked in His eyes. When circumstances in my life were going great, and people I highly respected were speaking well of me, I felt I was looking good in God’s eyes. But when life was all going haywire, and those I respected were not speaking well of me, I felt God must not be pleased with me. Not that He didn’t love me… just that I couldn’t expect any favor from Him, and maybe I was even under His judgment.

Finally, when I couldn’t put all the pieces together, and I knew I didn’t have the answers to questions that I absolutely HAD to have answers for… I broke before God. What followed were about 6 months of an intense time in my life of prayer and fasting, searching the Word, whatever it took… to know how God saw me. I was determined that no words of any man, no pat on the back, no windfall of great circumstances, no tingly feeling, would be enough. I HAD to hear from God Himself, just how I looked in His eyes. Whether good or bad… whatever… I couldn’t afford to wait till I stood before Him to find out.

From that moment, God started leading me on a step-by-step journey that has forever transformed my life. Immediately, encouraging things started popping up in the Word. I knew God had heard the cry of my heart, and He was answering. Sometimes there would be a burst of great encouraging words from the Lord, but it wasn’t the full answer to what I was asking for, so I kept pushing. Sometimes there might be a few days, where I didn’t feel anything special, so I kept pushing.

Every step of the way, I could hear the Lord saying, “Keep it up. Keep coming. You’re doing good.” Like a parent would say to a child who is just learning to walk. But I didn’t have my answer, so I kept pushing. One time He spoke the words to me, “Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.” He said so personally, “I call you BLESSED, right now! …before you even see the answer, because you are hungering and thirsting, and I have promised that you SHALL be FILLED!”

Wow! That was super encouraging. But I just doubled down on my pushing, because it still wasn’t the answer I needed. I could have backed off right then, knowing that I had touched God, and that He was pleased with me. But every touch from Lord… every new revelation… just reinforced to me that my pushing was paying off, and there was MORE… if I would just KEEP pushing. It felt like God was handing me little treats with one hand, but His other hand was loaded with things He was still withholding, with the intention that all that was mine too, in due season, if I just kept asking, seeking, knocking, and obeying.

If He had given me everything I was asking, just as soon as I asked, or as soon as I got really serious, or a soon as I obeyed, believed, surrendered, loved Him… all those good things… I would have missed the greatest blessing of all… knowing Him in a very personal, special way. And being forever changed by knowing Him.

With each step forward, He would lay out something more I could do, which always seemed to require a new level of surrender, but still something I could handle. If I had seen in the beginning all that God would require of me, it probably would have seemed overwhelming, maybe just TOO much. Even some of the single steps of surrender were tough. Sometimes it took a few days even, of internal wrestling, to get past the pride, or the fear, and just say, “Yes, Lord.” One of the toughest for me, was when He asked if I would “let God be true, and every man a liar”, including myself, and those I greatly esteemed.

I was still determined that I wasn’t going to stop until God showed me exactly how He saw me, so I kept pushing, and kept saying, “Yes”, and this day I can boldly testify, that God is good… God is faithful… and He is definitely a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him! I know. The day finally came for me when He shook me to the core with a simple question, “If I show you, will you DO it?”

I knew this was it! I knew He was ready to give me what I had been crying out for. But the “DO IT” part scared me. I had been praying, fasting, seeking for the “show me” part, but what does this “do it” mean? I also knew that if I didn’t say “Yes”, it would be the end of line, as far as our special developing relationship was concerned.
I knew what the right answer was, but as much as I had been desiring this day to come, I wasn’t prepared for the gravity and seriousness of it. I couldn’t answer. I knew this was huge, and I felt like I had to count the cost, before I answered Him.

He asked me that question as I was driving on my way to work, and I was a total wreck for the rest of the day. My insides were trembling. My hands were shaking so bad I couldn’t type or control my computer mouse. Was this going to cost me my job? Would I be shunned by friends, or family? Would I be hated? Would I lose respect? Money? Comfort? I kept crying out, “Lord, you’re asking me to do something, but you haven’t told me what you want me to do. I’m trying to count the cost, but you’re not telling me what it’s going to cost! I have no idea what I’m going to receive, and I have no idea what the cost is. How can you expect me to say ‘Yes’, when you’re not showing me what I’m saying ‘Yes’ to?” But I got no response.

At the end of the day, on my way home, I knew I had to give Him my answer. With the limited understanding I had at the time, I said, “Lord, you know that I have no idea what I’m saying ‘Yes” to, but I can’t say ‘No’. I love you, Lord. I know you love me. I trust you, and I can’t say ‘No’, so my answer is ‘YES’.” That might sound like a feeble answer, but God knew my heart, and He knew it was real. It’s still very real today, and I’m determined to be faithful to Him.

It wasn’t until a couple years later, that I was reading that scripture about counting the cost, in Luke 14:28, when the Lord pointed out that the cost He’s asking us to count, is whether we “have sufficient” to win the war, or complete the tower. The answer to that is simple: No, I don’t have sufficient. Not in myself. I NEED God! My sufficiency is only of God. (1 Corinthians 3:5)

Well, I still don’t know what the cost ultimately will be, but I know absolutely, that it is nothing compared to the great joys of this friendship with God that I’ve already experienced, say nothing about the immeasurable, un-‘countable’ rewards in eternity. A lot of things in this life that used to count before, don’t count anymore. It’s enough that He counts ME as His own.